Rating:
Did I use “oh god” already?
Apparently My Little Pony’s
creators pulled an old Ed Valentine script out of the trash (his previous
episode aired over 2½ years earlier), but its moral is so obvious and
heavy-handed that The Cart Before The Ponies feels like it was written before
season one. Cheerilee announces her
class will be participating in the Pinewood Applewood Derby so they can
learn about physics. Nobody does
unsurprisingly, as Valentine starts feverishly retconning from there. Now three awards exist instead of one, the
mane six totally did this event when they were young, and everyone dies in a
horrific car accident at the end oh never mind, they’re fine. Valentine’s premise concerns parents who live
out failed dreams through their children, but should an episode dealing with this
common problem really feel so painful?
Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash ignore their sisters’ (confusing)
desires over which prize they want and just build and race the cars
themselves. With no rule stating
otherwise, the Crusaders could have just switched partners and been fine, except
they never thought about doing so. Instead,
we get the pictured disaster which everyone somehow walks away from unscathed,
and a “do-over” that now doesn’t have time to finish. Every event only occurs in service to
Valentine’s moral, since he obviously doesn’t care about anything making sense. The previously competitive Applejack (Fall
Weather Friends, Sisterhooves Social) happily finishes dead last in a rickety
buggy? Sweetie Belle is fine being seen
in one too? Scootaloo has no competitive
desire either, and thinks putting a chicken head on her car equals
creativity? And are we really supposed
to believe Derpy beat Rarity for “most creative” all those years ago? Valentine’s script is poorly paced and almost
feels written for a completely different series. None of his choices worked, and the episode
rates among My Little Pony’s most
difficult to watch. Even with an
important moral, The Cart Before The Ponies cannot be recommended.
Cheerilee actually thinks teaching her elementary class
physics will be a good idea, but they freak out from having to “learn stuff”
rather than this subject being way beyond their grade level. Instead of visiting Six Flags, everyone will participate
in the Applewood Derby, although nobody would celebrate if they knew what was
coming. Cheerilee apparently only wants
to demonstrate how much living in the real world sucks (through forced child
labor), although an older pony may help them finish. If you read “help” as “make the older pony do everything”,
congratulations, you know exactly how the episode will go from here.
Confusingly (or I should say “contrivedly”), Cheerilee
announces three awards will be presented for the race. The winner naturally gets a ribbon, but so do
the “most creative” and “most traditional” cars. Why so many awards, and why do two of them
not require racing at all? Because there
would be no episode otherwise, which also goes for the next plot point. Sweetie Belle sees a picture of those old
cars and decides they look cool, but feels bad because the Apples “usually win”
most traditional. Apple Bloom actually
wants to win, but figures Scootaloo and Rainbow Dash will easily take the race. Cue Scootaloo pulling up and saying she’s
bored of always dominating and wants to try something more creative. Well, that was an easy and convenient
solution. “How could anything go wrong?”
Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Rarity are happy to help, even
if (in Rarity’s case) it means completely shutting down their business. All three loved and/or have nostalgia for the
Derby, and decide their sister will be going for each one’s expected award
instead. None of the Crusaders are pleased,
but they decide their older experienced companions must know best. Although the mane six members end up building
these cars themselves while ignoring their sisters’ request to try a different
style, including through an unnecessary filler montage.
Apparently the younger ponies traditionally drive (so much
for Applejack’s “tradition is all that counts” line), but our three adults take
the wheel in case you hadn’t realized they were monopolizing everything. And since one montage wasn’t enough, we’re
now singing through the race also.
Thanks to that strange cloverleaf course design and Rainbow Dash’s
shoddy construction, the race prematurely ends in a giant car crash. Many competitors are injured or killed and
our main characters are brought up on charges…nah, everyone’s fine, let’s just
have a do-over.
Even though this didn’t happen earlier, Applejack, Rainbow
Dash, and Rarity now wear stereotypical grease monkey overalls that are covered
in oil despite the cars not containing any.
Everyone must rebuild their vehicles, but thankfully we are spared
another montage or song. They begin racing
again, except every adult is now banned from competing. Our three ponies don’t mind as they kick back
and enjoy spectating. Rainbow Dash
cheers Scootaloo on, but catches herself after some dirty looks from her
friends. Then the episode just
ends. Do the Crusaders win those awards
they wanted? Who cares, I guess.
Being an adult doesn’t automatically make you an expert on
everything, but this was an almost Japanese level of annoying know-it-all
kids. Obviously younger viewers should
know not every grown-up can be completely trusted, but Valentine’s method seems
like adults are idiots (Rainbow Dash asks the Crusaders why they didn’t say
anything about their carts) who should never be listened to, which is a
terrible lesson for children. Sometimes
your parents know best, and others they’re human and don’t. You have to develop your own critical
thinking rather than blindly trusting anybody.
This important moral most certainly did not come through.
Characterization was surprisingly only mixed for such a
low-rated episode. If Rarity really had
lost to Derpy, she probably would have reacted that vengefully. Clearly some lessons regarding car design
were learned (well, “big” and “bold” at least), but her resulting swan car
might have only won by default while not necessarily following those suggestions. Rarity’s earlier car was arguably better,
while Derpy’s odd wood-made contraption wasn’t big or bold. Also, is there some reason Cheerilee didn’t
mention those second place ribbons while showing off the first? Can we expect third place and honorable
mention prizes exist as well? Or was
this just retconned for “comedic” effect?
Obviously Rainbow Dash wants to win, and she shouldn’t be
faulted for thinking Scootaloo would too (especially after their obstacle
course win in Brotherhooves Social).
Disastrous as they are, Dash’s actions can’t really be criticized except
for her incredibly stupid quote mentioned above. Applejack doesn’t get off so easily, though. Her commitment to tradition and enjoying
going incredibly slowly clashes with earlier portrayals, while she can’t even
make it out of this episode without flipping off her beloved “tradition”. Building an old-time car might count, but
letting kids drive like they usually do?
Fuck that. Cheerilee specifically
uses the word “tradition” just in case you missed Applejack’s hypocrisy.
In retrospect, there aren’t really six featured characters
in The Cart Before The Ponies as there are two, since the mane six members and
Crusaders don’t distinguish themselves.
The adult ponies like-mindedly focus on fulfilling their own dreams,
while the Crusaders complain to themselves and let it happen. Usually this is a Crusaders-specific problem,
so “credit” Valentine for lumping the mane six together as well. Such condensed characterization reinforces
how these characters only fulfill Valentine’s agenda rather than organically
existing.
Basically then, Valentine failed in every facet. His characters changed according to whim and
his pacing featured two filler montages (he co-wrote the song’s words, so that
part wasn’t editing) which left no time for an ending. Every joke and motivation seemed obvious and
fell flat, while Valentine couldn’t make a compelling case for his moral. Like many of My Little Pony’s worst episode, The Cart Before The Ponies is a
mess with numerous problems. And on top
of those, Valentine wasn’t entertaining either.
Leaving viewers with a bloated “meh” feeling shouldn’t be an
accomplishment anyone is proud of. The
Cart Before The Ponies therefore demonstrates again how B-level talent produces
sub-par work, no matter how lofty their intentions are.
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