Rating:
Yawn, I’m with Tank.
The little guy spent his eponymous episode almost falling asleep, and so
did I. For Tank, “winter is coming”
(actually one of a few decent lines), which means he must soon hibernate. While silly sounding, tortoise owners actually
face this important issue, since improper care often leads to death. Plus, kids probably should learn about
hibernation somewhere, which is fairly common among animal (but not pet)
communities. Furthermore, My Little Pony was on an unprecedented
run of five straight episodes earning at least 3½ stars from me. So naturally everything comes crashing down
with Cindy Morrow in charge. Despite
being handed an important lesson, Tanks For The Memories finds Rainbow Dash raging,
crying bucket loads of tears, and nearly killing everyone in Ponyville and
Cloudsdale due to stupidity. Structured
as an unholy mash-up of Sonic Rainboom, Winter Wrap Up, and May The Best Pet
Win, Tanks takes each episode’s worst parts and forms them into something that
shouldn’t exist. Morrow pretends Tank is
Rainbow Dash’s BFF, and again finds winter induced by ponies. Why would you ever have winter if it was a
choice? Snow isn’t worth freezing your
nads off. So now Dash can’t bear living
without Tank until March, and decides to prevent winter in increasingly idiotic
ways. Meanwhile, Tank stays bored and
sleepy, but continues getting dragged into more unhilarious misadventures. While Tanks For The Memories looks really
nice, it otherwise has nothing in common with season five. A filler story that could take place almost
anywhere which patronizes its audience while reveling in pain makes Tanks
completely unnecessary. Morrow was once
the only writer who found some growth in Rainbow Dash, but now she reverts Dash
into a petulant child that obliviously causes harm. Even if it’s eventually almost touching,
Tanks’ wall-to-wall discomfort can’t rate any higher. With clichéd dialogue, another awful song,
questionable plotting, an unwanted callback regarding Equestria’s winter, and
no punishment for wanton destruction, Tanks For The Memories isn’t remotely
watchable in long stretches and unquestionably places amongst the season’s
worst episodes. Maybe that final scene
of everyone acting like Tank is dying was prophetic, because he probably won’t
be waking up again based on how Dash treats him.
Despite being currently spring/summer in Equestria and on the
Northern Hemisphere’s release date, Rainbow Dash is really excited about
winter’s approach. She encourages
various ponies performing a Running Of The Leaves race (yes, referencing Fall
Weather Friends) and anticipates many fun activities with Tank. However, her turtle apparently has “just
resting” planned based upon profuse amounts of yawning. Twilight doesn’t notice anything wrong, but
Fluttershy drops the h-bomb. Tank is gearing
up for hibernating, which will probably last at least three months.
Instead of accepting her pet’s biological necessities,
Rainbow Dash spends the episode’s duration in complete denial. Spike’s second opinion ends up being
fruitless, but that only makes Dash’s drive even crazier. She figures exercising will awaken Tank, and
then moves on to sabotaging winter’s setup crew when it doesn’t. Stuffing clouds in trees totally works, and
no one notices Dash completely destroying Cloudsdale’s weather factory. How does this happen? Well, Dash empties a huge water basin, nearly
kills Tank as he sleepily flies into a fan, lets out bottled lightning, and blows
up their cloud-making machine when she goes through it with Tank. Despite the Pegasi’s best efforts, this
machine spews one huge winter nuke toward Ponyville, which explodes into a
festive season instantaneously.
Not even numerous near-death experiences stir Tank’s blood,
so Dash slowly accepts his “fate” in a weepy third act. Fluttershy’s tough love starts the fountains,
and an empathetic mane six join in (except Applejack, who only cries inside
tears). Finally, Rainbow Dash digs a
hole in the snow for Tank before he crawls in and covers himself up. But he still gets a bedtime story from Dash,
who will enjoy winter’s early arrival later.
She’ll be right there, ha ha.
Rainbow Dash is the only character with any meaningful
screen time, but her attitude only becomes regressive. Nothing she does makes sense, and no
repercussions from such destructive behavior are felt either. Tank has only been a background character
outside of his introduction, but now Dash acts like she’s lived with him for
over ten years. Despite Tank going
months between appearances, Dash totally can’t survive without him for so
long. He’s not actually dying here,
although the episode acts like hibernation basically means that. And Dash already drags Tank along on activities
he probably doesn’t want to do, having already built a rotor which ignores his
physical limitations. Nothing says
entertainment like watching some character beat her head against the wall.
Everyone else only supports, including Tank, who sleeps
through his second most prominent role.
He nearly dies multiple times while somehow avoiding serious head trauma
for a clingy owner who’s never understood him.
Clearly Tank should have just dug his hole early on and ended this mess,
but then there’d be no…ah, you almost had me there. Hibernation probably doesn’t start with
profuse yawning, and not until later than was portrayed. But Tank’s condition can’t really show
anything.
The rest of our ponies can only watch in dismay as the
action unfolds, and have very little input or effect on it. Fluttershy’s surprising reality check recalls
an attitude she would have with her pets, so this isn’t out of character
despite her usual behavior. And
Applejack’s refusal to cry with her friends at least intrigues. But nothing else really sticks out, including
the expected Game Of Thrones reference (which is fine but arrives too
early). Pinkie’s antics again fall flat,
and no one else does anything. Unless
the mane six were being sent to save the world from Rainbow Dash (which
apparently should have happened), they have no reason for appearing.
Watching Rainbow Dash behave so obtusely throughout is mostly
painful, while none of the other characters make any contributions. For comparison’s sake, I looked up tortoise
hibernation and found a video of some guy unboxing his turtle. Preparing for this annual event probably
could have made another one. His turtle resided
in a shoebox with newspaper clippings and many holes punched out on top. Then this box sat inside a dedicated
refrigerator to ensure constant temperatures.
He opened the fridge door daily and kept weight logs. Upon being removed in March, the turtle was
understandably groggy as fuck and took at least five minutes before opening his
eyes. His owner mused that he probably
wasn’t missed, and made a bath featuring the reptilian Red Bull. Naturally the turtle started crawling out
soon after being placed inside. Despite
little or no planning, this five minute video features more compelling characters
and story. The turtle beats Tank in
terms of interest and emotion, while his owner can be caring without seeing a
beloved pet for months. Not that reality
should be expected from My Little Pony,
but this video demonstrates how far away Morrow’s effort was from where it
could have been.
So despite some isolated solid parts, Tanks For The Memories
falters in too many ways. Not properly
caring for your pet turtle during hibernation very often causes death, but
Tank’s experience with Dash here suggests he’s better off taking his
chances. With no previous history,
Dash’s sudden attachment to Tank feels strange, as does the profuse crying over
someone who isn’t dying and will still need to be checked on often. Morrow’s poor choice of references looks like
she was searching for ideas (in all the wrong places), and her plot comes
straight from season two. In short,
Tanks For The Memories is a mess that can’t find anything positive from its
important premise. It has nothing to do
with the fifth season, and isn’t very enjoyable either. My
Little Pony should be beyond such episodes, but apparently… wait, I already
did that one too.
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