Rating:
Crusaders Of The Lost Mark attempts to be an Important
episode, but only ends up as Magical Mystery Cure part two. This criticism is common, but completely
accurate since the episode features wall-to-wall songs and tries to do way too
much. Perhaps not to the extent of season
three’s finale, although nothing about the plot, characterization, or
resolution makes much sense either. While
planning their next failed attempt at earning cutie marks, the Crusaders are
interrupted by Pipsqueak, who demands they become his campaign managers for a
run at class president. With no
experience or reason to help someone who barely ever makes an appearance, they
readily accept. He slaughters Diamond
Tiara after her assholish display, but now the Crusaders feel bad and try cheering
her up by becoming friends. Then after
Tiara becomes a completely different character, they finally earn their cutie
marks without disrupting My Little Pony’s
premise. These widely disparate events are
scored as a musical for some reason, and Ingram’s songs are again typically
bland and unoriginal. Amy Keating Rogers
wastes yet another teaser, and pervades her script with too many head-shaking
moments. Many may feel that the
Crusaders finally earning their marks is historic enough to warrant a higher
rating, but these odd final scenes only elevate a worse episode to middling
status. Given how long they’ve attempted
to earn them, this part feels rushed after the drawn out Diamond Tiara scenes which
don’t offer as much insight as they pretend.
Almost every problem Rogers had with A Friend In Deed occurs again here,
since Crusaders is another extremely poorly paced episode. Her script may never reach those earlier
lows, but it’s still an indisputable mess whose sections do not belong
together. That the Crusaders earn their
marks in this way is extremely disappointing, and wastes what should have been
one of the series’ highlights. Rogers is
capable of much better work, but Crusaders brought out her sub-par faults
instead and fails to achieve any of its objectives. Even though they’re often annoying, the
Crusaders deserved better than this anti-climax for their “defining” episode.
Hey Crusaders!
Instead of doing anything today, why don’t we sing a song? How about a sickly uplifting one that wastes
time summarizing what we do in every single fucking episode? Wait, what’s that? It’s Pipsqueak, and judging by the tone of
his voice, he must be in trouble! What
terrible problem has afflicted him now?
He…wants to run for student “pony” president and wants us to be his
campaign managers? What the hell is that
and why is he asking us? Who cares? We’ll totally get our cutie marks in
something we’ve never done before! Did
this teaser make any sense to you guys?
Don’t worry, neither will the rest of the episode.
So how do we get this kid who barely shows up for class
elected? Um, new swing set and, uh…more
songs? That’ll definitely work! It’s too bad Diamond Tiara won’t leave anyone
alone. She keeps talking about statues and
windows and how her mom is suddenly president of the school board. It’s not like money or connections are
important for winning an election.
Besides, we need a new playground, and Pipsqueak’s best qualification is
that he’s not Diamond Tiara. Does all
this singing and convincing speech and “vote for change” stuff work? Not in the slightest. How does Pipsqueak win the election? Because Diamond Tiara tells Silver Spoon to
shut up, which destroys what little public opinion she had left. Being a dick to everyone before voting
probably didn’t help either (amazingly enough).
Hmm, thought that election storyline would fill up an
episode. Now we feel like dicks since Diamond Tiara is skulking around
town. Even though she’s treated us like
shit for literally years, maybe now that we have time to waste we should
try helping her. She could use it once
her mother Spoiled Rich (did somebody really name their kid “Spoiled”? What was her maiden name, Milk? Or is Diamond Tiara’s bitchiness a result of
her being inbred?) starts laying into her for losing. Spoiled is also racist toward us blank
flanks, because rich people just suck in general (like Fancy Pants and Fleur
Dis Lee, who just happen to stroll through Ponyville at the exact moment
Spoiled makes her point).
This low-level and ultimately meaningless loss for an
inconsequential position has caused Diamond Tiara to question her
existence. Ponyville’s biggest stuck-up
bitch just wishes she could be normal and unimportant. Is it weird that I feel bad for her? Yes, yes it is. I know, let’s offer friendship! Because after our prolonged history of
hatred, that totally has a chance of happening.
And it does! Diamond Tiara “has
nothing better to do”, and accompanies the Crusaders to their clubhouse where she
trashes their stupid activities. Then
she completely reverses her earlier position and says they’re lucky for having
many options to explore (I guess Twilight’s convincing speech in Call Of The
Cutie finally worked). After more
insults, Pipsqueak shows up again needing to take a piss and relates how
his playground initiative has gone to shit due to lack of funds. Realizing the opportunity and remembering her
purpose, Diamond Tiara rushes back toward school so she can take back her
presidency.
Where do I even start with this second act finale song? Diamond Tiara demands the Crusaders get out
of her way even though they’re behind her.
They respond that she’s “better than this hostility”, when she’s really
not based on their history (DT’s following “you don’t even know me at all” is
ironically accurate). Rich ponies are
socializing in Ponyville right when Diamond Tiara brings up “her family”. The Crusaders suddenly develop Pinkie Pie
physics and appear in front of her from nowhere for dramatic effect. Then they run backwards for 6-7 seconds at
the same speed as Diamond Tiara, which is physically impossible for horses. And for some reason, an isolated gazebo has
sunny weather with a rainbow while the nearby schoolhouse experiences dark
clouds.
So of course Diamond Tiara takes the road less travelled,
but thankfully Ponyville’s weather immediately improves once we return. And fortunately so does her plan, because the
Crusaders’ short convincing speech apparently works. Diamond Tiara tells off Spoiled Rich and
demands Filthy Rich pay for the swing set.
She realizes that eponymous cutie mark means her special talent is
bossing everyone around, but don’t worry because the Crusaders are totally her
friends now and she fully supports Pip’s administration. Despite not being even remotely in character,
a happy ending was reached after all.
Wait, that still isn’t enough to fill out the episode? Alright, fuck it, the Crusaders can have
their goddamn ass tattoos. After
Appleoosa’s Most Wanted and helping Diamond Tiara understand her cutie mark,
they decide to start assisting others rather than worrying about getting their
own. This pledge sets off a magical
transformation which leaves our least-favorite ponies with new cutie
marks. Everyone else stares (too much)
in awe, but their proclamation of “we all got the same cutie mark” isn’t
accurate. All three do have multi-color Crusader
shields, but each features a different symbol in the middle (apple, music note,
lightning bolt). Suddenly freed from
their vacation, Pinkie Pie announces the Crusaders’ cuteceañera will start
immediately with no preparation.
Applejack makes an unfortunate comment about her parents’ death, and
they all pretend the Crusaders have accomplished something other than annoying
everyone. Those clubhouse meetings will
continue with a slightly different focus, and Princess Celestia gets an updated
cast photo.
Ostensibly, Rogers was trying to rehabilitate Diamond Tiara as
was done with Trixie and Gilda, but nothing about her quick change felt
remotely realistic. Being an asshole
early on is fine, but one little loss suddenly brings her to the “lucky” Crusaders’
clubhouse. Then Tiara happily supports
Pip while calling the Crusaders’ her friends after barely one afternoon of
hanging out together. Trixie and Gilda’s
returns felt organic and made sense from a character standpoint and time, but
this seemed like someone said we’re making Diamond Tiara good and fuck the
details. That most of her
“transformation” happens in the second act rather than an entire episode also
doesn’t help. (Perhaps worse is that Diamond
Tiara has no further lines in the series. Instead of seeing how this episode affected her,
she is never heard from again.)
Rogers’ other characters are mixed at best. Pipsqueak is a disaster, with no explanation given
for why he’s suddenly friends with the Crusaders or needs their help. He annoyingly demands their services, and
they accept out of apparent boredom.
Spoiled Rich at least explains Diamond Tiara’s poor attitude, but her
racism and odd facial design feel like rich stereotypes rather than actual
character traits. Her unfortunate name
and retcon status are also negatives.
With this shitty Election
rehash taking up most of the running time, the Crusaders’ finally earning their
marks feels hurried and hollow. No other
ponies have basically the same cutie mark, so having a preordained friendship
that can now apparently never end seems very strange. However, having their talent come from
failing so much that they can help others realize theirs is interesting (despite
it ignoring The Show Stoppers’ events).
This was more effective in Appleoosa’s Most Wanted, and debatably makes
sense based on their history. Given that
one of season five’s themes has been dissatisfaction with cutie marks, providing
counselors to help ponies with problems does work. Unfortunately, Diamond Tiara doesn’t really
need any assistance since she’s always been a bossy bitch and her good side
transformation never feels believable.
That she somehow pushes the Crusaders toward their ultimate purpose makes
little sense. And as evidenced by the
fact that I haven’t mentioned a single one of them by name all review, they are
again treated as one character rather than separate individuals.
Amy Keating Rogers is better than the myriad of problems
which litter Crusaders Of The Lost Mark, but this inconsistency can’t be surprising
given previous episodes like A Friend In Deed, Applebuck Season, The Last
Roundup, and Fall Weather Friends. Each
act feels like a different episode, and all the songs made every event seem
very fillerish. This shouldn’t happen when
the Crusaders finally get their freaking cutie marks. Having learned nothing from Magical Mystery
Cure, Crusaders Of The Lost Mark represents a huge misfire from everyone
involved. Rogers turned in another
horridly paced script, while the animation was practically just as bad (rich
ponies walking through Ponyville, horses running backwards). Even the Crusaders’ new marks are a cop-out,
since they allow them to stay together without changing My Little Pony at all. The
idea behind their marks is intriguing, and those touching family moments almost
work, but nothing else about the script or execution does. While far from awful, there’s little question
that Crusaders Of The Lost Mark is one of the most disappointing episodes ever
produced.
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