My Little Pony - Friendship Is Magic: Episode 217 - Hearts And Hooves Day

Rating:

Hearts And Hooves Day is the story of how the mane six finally all get boyfriends.  I mean, it’s about the Crusaders realizing they like guys and trying to ask them out.  I mean, some combination of both?  Derpy finding love?  Rainbow Dash coming out?  Diamond Tiara dating someone poor?  Snips and Snails dealing with being the school’s first gay couple?  Better keep going, because it would be way down anyone’s list to come up with the Ponyville Valentine’s Day episode that Meghan McCarthy did.  Instead of using My Little Pony’s boatload of interesting characters, McCarthy took the two most boring ones and stuck them together.  When that obviously wasn’t working, she forced things by the love potion route.  Then this somehow has anything meaningful to say about relationships.  Hearts And Hooves Day is the third and unquestionably worst season two holiday episode, as it takes a premise that could have been good in just about anyone else in the world’s hands and completely fails to find anything fun or interesting.  This was a possibility for entertainment, a message about homosexuality, or something, but McCarthy went a very safe route that produced nothing of substance.  With a complete misrepresentation of relationships, painful moments, overly cutesy dialogue, and one huge missed opportunity, Hearts And Hooves Day is an utter disaster.

Those lovable Cutie Mark Crusaders make a huge valentine for their teacher Cheerilee on the eponymous day.  After assuming she must have a husband at home, they are shocked to learn there is no “special somepony” in Cheerilee’s life.  Since the Crusaders are not at all creepy and know everything about Cheerilee, they decide to get her one.  “That is the best idea ever!”  The head writer for the entire series actually came up with this dialogue in an episode where literally any other idea would have been better.

Once a long and terrible song where the Crusaders berate every male pony unlucky enough to be standing around finally ends, they decide Big Mac is the perfect stallion for Cheerilee.  Apparently his selection is based solely upon being available.  Apple Bloom does momentarily protest her brother being used for their scheme, but she stops caring pretty quickly.  After setting up a romantic date based off Hollywood for the two “love birds”, they are shocked when Big Mac and Cheerilee awkwardly part one minute later.

Not giving up with two more acts left, the Crusaders bump into Twilight and discover a love potion spell.  “We all agree these two are perfect for one another”, “they just need a little nudge”.  No flaw in that argument.  Since it worked so well before, the Crusaders set up another date and make up excuses to get their couple together again.  Inexplicably falling for it, Cheerilee at least tells Big Mac what is going on.  “Humoring” the Crusaders, both of them decide to drink the provided “punch”.  One gaze and they are locked into shmoopy love.

The Crusaders don’t notice anything wrong until such words start coming out of their couple’s mouths.  Wanting only to stop the schmaltz, our matchmakers discover the spell will end if they can keep Big Mac and Cheerilee apart for an hour.  Thankfully it just happens to be 5 o’clock right now, so Cheerilee is shipped off to buy her wedding dress while Big Mac is sent for a diamond ring.

Despite never leaving each other’s thoughts, the Crusaders are successful in keeping both of them apart.  Most of that is due to Cheerilee being trapped in one of Rarity’s dressing rooms by easily movable furniture, and a rather quick moving hour.  Their “smart” teacher finally escapes at 5:59 and meets Big Mac in a hole the Crusaders dug, but she does not look at him until after the spell has worn off.  Now back to normal, Cheerilee punishes her students by making them do Big Mac’s “chores”…‘til whenever I guess.  Then they pretend to get together anyways but aren’t very convincing.

McCarthy’s view of sexuality is stuck in the past, so her Crusaders assume that Cheerilee is straight.  Fine, and maybe she is, but she had an opportunity to address that not all mares like stallions, and vice versa.  Not that there’s an easy way to tell kids this, but at some point it will probably have to happen.  Maybe someone higher up nixed such a storyline, but that doesn’t seem likely.  Awkwardly though, Cheerilee still acts like this is true.  She describes Big Mac as a “good friend”, but never gets into specifics about why they can’t have a relationship.  Was it because he was a former student, or does she not have a special somepony since an intolerant Ponyville wouldn’t accept her “lifestyle choice”?  Perhaps Big Mac’s penchant for saying only two words makes him uninteresting, but then why was he chosen as a main character again?

Not that every loner must be gay or that My Little Pony needs to address such issues, but having Cheerilee in the lead left no other interesting choice.  Then the Crusaders could have discovered something worthwhile rather than spouting a lesson about not meddling when all they really learned was to avoid that stupid potion.  But Cheerilee’s sexuality hangs uncomfortably over the episode, because she literally gives no hints either way about it.  A simple solution was to just not have her in the show and avoid all of this, but I guess the head writer knows much better.

Choosing literally the two most boring ponies in Ponyville and having them act under a substance’s influence for half an episode ruins any attempt at decent characterization.  We learn nothing about either of them, other than that they sort of know each other.  This leaves the Crusaders, who pretty much haven’t had a worse episode together.  They don’t show even the slightest sense of individuality throughout, and are often speaking or reacting in unison.  Their reasons for thinking Big Mac and Cheerilee are “perfect together” remain unspecified, while their actions are mean and deplorable.  Perhaps McCarthy meant them as a satire on kids who don’t understand relationships, but there isn’t any acknowledgement of this, and the Crusaders don’t learn why what they did was wrong from such a goofy plot.  Only Twilight’s quick appearance is halfway decent, but her nerding out over books was done better in Read It And Weep.

Hearts And Hooves Day is therefore a boring and frustrating episode which feels like the worst possible Valentine’s Day show outcome.  McCarthy chooses two dreary characters, avoids any issues, and has no one learn anything.  Putting in a love potion invalidates the entire second half, since Big Mac and Cheerilee wern’t acting like themselves because of drugs.  Add Hearts And Hooves Day to a long list of season two episodes where the biggest question is how the writer possibly thought of elucidating their premise like this.  Let’s spotlight two virtual background ponies, have them say nothing to each other, and then the potion did it?  You’re not only getting paid handsomely, but rose to become head writer thinking of such dreck?  “Life isn’t fair” applies directly to McCarthy, who doesn’t deserve any of her success.  How she didn’t get fired for ruining what could have been a very memorable episode remains beyond my comprehension.  Instead, Hearts And Hooves Day is a forgotten piece of shit that literally does nothing right.  Only McCarthy could screw up an idea that should’ve been easy gold, and her approach to relationships is absolutely appalling.